smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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