Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
