I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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