i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
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Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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