stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
