Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
