His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
