Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
