I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
