I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
