you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize