U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
