You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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