I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
