Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
