two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
