I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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