I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
