Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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