I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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