he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
