can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
