im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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