I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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