i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
