Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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