I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
