how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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