who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
