when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
