Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
