I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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