I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
