I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
