I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
