Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Two words: blizzard sex
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
