I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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