I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
