I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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