Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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