Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
