How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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