So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
