$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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