I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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