found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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