i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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