I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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