I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
