I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
