I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
