i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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