You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
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We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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