My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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